During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
