My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
