Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
