i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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