Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
