its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
