I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Michael Bay diarrhea
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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