Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
