We named our party play list daddy issues
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
