OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
