The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
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Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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