smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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