At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
