This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
