Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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