I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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