doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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