I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
