Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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