I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
