your parents love me but you hate me
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
