NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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