i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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