I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
