I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
