pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
