so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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