the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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