Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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