We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
