He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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