I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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