if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
