I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
