wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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