I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
