god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
