First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's never too late to be topless.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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