So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
