I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
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Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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