I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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