My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
