fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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