I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
