the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
