I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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