Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
