sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
