I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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