Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if only i could text you this smell
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
