I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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