we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
