so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
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when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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