I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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