Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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