But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize