allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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