Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
