the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
