Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
